Understanding our children … What is their behavior really saying?

Here in Israel, we commonly refer to the period after the chagim (the Holiday Season) as a return to routine.  The children return to school, the adults to the workplace, and there is an expectation that all returns to ‘normal.’

Just what is this ‘normal’?  Ever wonder if our children are happy with their lives- at school…in their studies, in their social life…at home? If behavior could speak, just what kinds of things would it be telling us?

If we have children who talk freely with us about their experiences we might have some idea. But what about kids that don’t verbally open up and share?

I was recently speaking with a client about the influence early sexual abuse might have had on her behavior over the years. She shared about becoming distrustful of all adults, spending more and more time alone, becoming a problem in school, and eventually turning towards pornography and drugs.  “What do you think your behavior was trying to say?” I asked her. Without hesitation she answered, “that I was hurting, confused, didn’t know how or to whom to talk to...ashamed and damaged…”  I asked her if she had been able to speak what might she have said?  “I would have asked for love, patience, understanding, and help from my family.” When I asked her how it might have been to have received that, she cried out: “It would have changed everything for me.”

Such a short, gentle conversation that day, but, oh! so pivotal in our work together. 

Noticing changes in school work, avoiding friends or social events, anxiousness, sleeping-in, avoiding food, or weight gains are but a few of the steps children slide into when they are challenged in their lives. What would it be like if we looked at these actions as …opportunities to notice, instead of stamping them with labels about ‘laziness,’ ‘belligerent,’ or ‘it’s just a phase.’ Let’s look behind the outward scenes…and find out what’s happening backstage.  And as parents, or grandparents- if we aren’t sure how to get that conversation going, sometimes a professional can jumpstart the process.

Considering the perils of fasting for those recovering from eating disorders

During the days leading up to Yom Kippur I am contacted by concerned parents, physicians, and rabbis. “My daughter is recovering from anorexia, and insists she is going to fast.” Parents often turn to Rabbinical advice…but they are torn and confused. They understand the importance of fasting on Yom Kippur, but often have been on a challenging journey supporting their child in the process of healing from an eating disorder. Recovering from disordered eating, as a child, and as a family can be a prolonged process. Gaining kilos does not reflect emotional healing.  Reversing that slippery slope downward into the frightening endless abyss of disordered eating is complicated.  My experience as a therapist tells me that each person who battles with these disorders begins the battle with different personality, and behavioral histories that trigger them to take that first step.  Gaining courage and strength to saying NO! to habits that have given structure and purpose needs a lot of support from loved ones.  After all, anorexia/bulimia have been very trusted friends-directing their lives…pretty hard to step into a new scary world, one with all its expectations.

As our loved ones take steps towards healing there still exist those challenges and triggers. This is where Yom Kippur steps in.  Fasting has the ability to bring us to powerful emotional places-often helping us in that spiritual elevation of the prayers of Yom Kippur.  Low blood sugar caused from not eating can bring on the ‘lows’ when life can start to look pretty despairing. Perhaps we need to act with caution when it comes to recently recovering clients-can this send them on a spiral down again?  There is an elating feeling of empowerment that fasting reinforces for those who get ‘into’ starving themselves…do we really want to re-introduce those triggers this Yom Kippur?

To fast or not to fast?  Eating disorders often stay hidden in subterfuge and suffering for so long. Yom Kippur is around the corner. I encourage you to join your loved one who is ‘recovering’ in a therapeutic conversation about fasting. Sharing your concerns and love, and hearing what they have to say has the potential to create more understanding and healing.  Perhaps a professional can be a part of that discussion.  Gmar chatimah tova

Managing food, socializing, and the Chagim

Thoughts on the challenges we face during the Chagim:

With the Chagim fast approaching, conversations often turn towards the subject of socializing around the endless meals and the copious amounts of foods.  The month of holidays is traditionally a time to gather with family and friends. What to prepare tops the list during the weeks before, vying with our soul-searching build-up to repentance. Meals can stretch on for hours, with many courses offered. The ever present echo of: “What, you’re not trying my desserts?...of course, there’s room for a little bit” tends to wear down our reserve to eat sensibly. What happened to my body telling me I am full? What happens to silence my voice of determination to be good to myself?  How is it that one bite leads the way towards that slippery slope called -out of control?

Often people share with me thoughts of avoiding the whole ‘chagim thing’-declining invitations, going away…even feigning illness and staying in their room.  Sounds like, maybe, this food thing might be getting in the way of more preferred ways of living our lives.

I’m wondering if this Elul might be a time for many of us to re-look at what we want our relationship with food to look like.  Could it be a time to re- evaluate those expectations and habits, and set out on a new path for friendly, healthier eating?

Taking that first step to talk about this can be scary. Get in touch if I can help you start that conversation. Let’s work on a Shana Tova together.