Understanding our children … What is their behavior really saying?

Here in Israel, we commonly refer to the period after the chagim (the Holiday Season) as a return to routine.  The children return to school, the adults to the workplace, and there is an expectation that all returns to ‘normal.’

Just what is this ‘normal’?  Ever wonder if our children are happy with their lives- at school…in their studies, in their social life…at home? If behavior could speak, just what kinds of things would it be telling us?

If we have children who talk freely with us about their experiences we might have some idea. But what about kids that don’t verbally open up and share?

I was recently speaking with a client about the influence early sexual abuse might have had on her behavior over the years. She shared about becoming distrustful of all adults, spending more and more time alone, becoming a problem in school, and eventually turning towards pornography and drugs.  “What do you think your behavior was trying to say?” I asked her. Without hesitation she answered, “that I was hurting, confused, didn’t know how or to whom to talk to...ashamed and damaged…”  I asked her if she had been able to speak what might she have said?  “I would have asked for love, patience, understanding, and help from my family.” When I asked her how it might have been to have received that, she cried out: “It would have changed everything for me.”

Such a short, gentle conversation that day, but, oh! so pivotal in our work together. 

Noticing changes in school work, avoiding friends or social events, anxiousness, sleeping-in, avoiding food, or weight gains are but a few of the steps children slide into when they are challenged in their lives. What would it be like if we looked at these actions as …opportunities to notice, instead of stamping them with labels about ‘laziness,’ ‘belligerent,’ or ‘it’s just a phase.’ Let’s look behind the outward scenes…and find out what’s happening backstage.  And as parents, or grandparents- if we aren’t sure how to get that conversation going, sometimes a professional can jumpstart the process.